What Goes On in Konohagakure Stays in Konohagakure
by ShinobiTrio2374
Summary: In a world of myraid parallel universes, fates collide in the hidden village of the Land of Fire, Konohagakure no Sato. Will Naruto cver find the last Fire Stone and evolve his Vulpix? Will Darth Vader get up the nerve to ask Sheik out? Please review.
1. Disclaimers and other Christmas presents

**A/N**

**Beware . . .**

**This is actually a crossover of everything. And when we say everything, we **_**mean**_** everything.**

**Disclaimer: This chapter consists of all the disclaimers for this fanfiction. Please read Chapter 1 for actual piece and refer to this otherwise utterly useless chapter for all disclaimers. Thank you and please review.**

**Disclaimer: This a work of fanfiction. All incidents and dialogue, and all original characters are a product of Haru's Tsukiyomi and are not to be construed as real. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is entirely "coincidental".**

**Disclaimer: We do not own Naruto, Naruto Shippuden, the Hong Kong Shanghai Banking Corporation, Pokémon, Avatar: The Last Airbender, Bambi, Justin Bieber (Thank God), Star Wars, Bleach, Kaze no Stigma, Ranma ½, Nintendo, the Wiimote and accessories, the Compilation of Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy X, Final Fantasy X-2, Final Fantasy XIII, Square Enix, Hello Kitty, undead Hello Kitties, The Matrix, The Legend of Zelda, Moonwalking, the unnamed freaky perverted song that Takeshi refuses to let Haru look up, Plants vs. Zombies, Iron Man, Thinkgeek, Sharpie, , Band-Aid, Tesla Roadsters, The Hitchhiker's Guide to Galaxy, Burrito Bandito, iPhones, Androids, ASL, Kingdom Hearts, Eric and the Dread Gazebo, Dungeons and Dragons, Jamba Juice, Black Ops., Facebook, Maximum Ride, Dora the Explorer, Sky Vodka, 'Real Emotion', 'A 1,000 Words', The Biggest Loser, **_**'Suteki Da Ni',**_** 'Eternal Love', **_**'Tonari no Totoro',**_** 'Hero's Comeback', '**_**Naruto Ondo'**_**, Saks 5****th**** Avenue, Yama Sushi, "Power 94", Photoshop, Barnes & Noble's, Percy Jackson and the Olympians, God of War, Kirby, Tron: Legacy, Holiday Quality Foods, and Neopets.**

**Stay tuned for even more disclaimers!**


	2. Everybody hates mornings

6:00 a.m.

A ray of morning sunlight shone through the window, illuminating the figure sprawled on the bed sheets below. The jolting squeal of an alarm clock split the air until an Otogakure hiate-ate hit the snooze button.

"Oh, shut up," grumbled the girl, disentangling herself from the sheets. Wrapping her purple _nemaki_ tighter around herself, she snatched up her iPhone on the way into the glass-domed atrium at the center of her home. Carefully picking her way across the meadow-like floor, the girl tapped her way into the HSBC database, flipping her long, dark brown hair over her shoulder.

Suddenly, the girl realized that one of the three college funds she had set up was completely empty.

"Caden!" Her outraged scream echoed around the house, startling the two cuddly "ninja" Lillipups lying in the grass. How an adorable, blond 11-year-old became a pervert I'll never know, she thought as her hand reached for the Wiimote and Nunchuk she used as an obi. The girl let her anger slide away into the small cache of turbulent emotions in the "anti-pervert" part of her mind. Calm down, Haru, she told herself. You can always incinerate those dirty Icha Icha novels he bought with the money later. With that thought in mind, Haru strode into her kitchen for some somen.

7:00 a.m.

"Hey, look! It's Haru!"

Haru rolled her eyes as she hit the frigid air of Konoha's Pokémon Gym. The Pai Sho parlor was filled with a bunch of underling Psychic-type trainers.

"Just let me through, guys. I haven't come to challenge the gym." Haru sighed as the underlings moved to block her way.

"I don't think so," countered the biggest and ugliest trainer, Mooshy. "We've let you pass way too many times."

"So?" Idiots, thought Haru as she reached into her scroll pouch.

"If you wanna like, see like, Nara-san, you like, gotta fight like though us like, first, you know?"snickered Raiko, Mooshy's teenage sister.

Haru sighed. The knuckleheaded morning shift trainers were always looking for a fight. She pulled two scrolls out of her pouch and dropped them on the ground. A dark cloud of smoke obscured her from view as the scrolls unfurled and flew into the air.

"No . . ." whispered Mooshy as Haru jumped to the level of the twirling scrolls.

"Twin Rising Dragons Supreme Technique!" yelled Haru as she summoned thousands of portable speakers.

"You know you love me," sang the high-pitched, girly voice of Justin Bieber. "You know you care."

The trainers moaned and sank to the ground clutching their heads as blood dripped out of their ears.

(o0o)

Justin Bieber sighed happily as he slurped up ramen at Amegakure's Ichiraku Ramen Stand with his girlfriend, Tenten. Suddenly, a shudder passed through him and he winced.

"What's wrong?" asked Tenten.

"I just had a feeling someone was using my music for the Dark Side . . ." answered Justin.

(o0o)

Haru swung her Wiimote by the cord and whacked the trainers' foreheads. Disabling the justu, she pulled earplugs out of her ears and stepped on the shortcut warp panel leading to the Gym Leader.

"What now, Haru?" asked Nara Shikamaru, not looking up from the Pai Sho board.

"May I have a mission?" Haru's Bambi eyes were completely wasted on Shikamaru, who stared at the table, deep in concentration.

"You're a fourteen-year-old jōnin who's completed more missions than the number of women Kakashi's cheated on," piped up Temari, who was seated across from Shikamaru."Don't you have anything better to do?"

"Sadly, no," said Haru.

"Oh my god!" Temari stuck her hand in her pocket and pulled out a Pokéball. Haru grabbed her Wiimote as Temari threw the Pokéball at the wall, where it disappeared in a puff of smoke. A figure emerged from behind the cloud, becoming more human-like and distinct until . . .

"Itachi?" Haru stumbled backward in shock. _Why is he in a freaking Pok__é__ball_, her mind screamed.

The Uchiha barely acknowledged Haru and Shikamaru, instead standing with a look of boredom on his face. "You rang?"

Temari smirked. "Yeah. Go get me some sake, loser."

"I think you ought to know I'm feeling very depressed." Itachi's voice had taken on a monotone-like quality.

"Oh god," muttered Shikamaru, "here we go again."

"Just get the damn sake!"snarled Temari. "_Kuso_, I have all eight gym badges; why won't you listen to me?"

"Alright, I'll do it."

"You will?" Temari raised her eyebrows suspiciously.

"Yes. As an S-ranked member of the Uchiha clan with a fully developed Mangekyo Sharingan, that's obviously all I'm good for anyway." Itachi shuffled off, his shoulders slumping dejectedly.

Shikamaru sighed. "Anyways, Haru, why do you want another mission?"

"_Ano_ (Um) . . . I . . ." Haru stammered as she was still in shock from the whole Itachi's in a freaking Pokéball thing. "," blurted Haru.

"Pardon?"

Haru repeated her words more slowly and added, "But I don't know how he emptied it. I mean, Takeshi-"

"Caden's roommate? Who put those two together in a house?" snickered Temari.

"-wouldn't help Caden and Caden has no computer skills whatsoever. You wouldn't know who might've helped him?" finished Haru hopefully.

Temari and Shikamaru looked at each other and said in unison, "Kakashi."

"That's it," growled Haru. "_Ero_-sensei gets it! I knew I shouldn't have shut down the Pervert Reform Group!"

_Flashback begins._

_ "Hello, and welcome to the first meeting of the Pervert Reform Group," announced Haru from atop a makeshift stage as she looked out over the nine males that made up her audience; eight of which were cocooned in orange duct tape and firmly secured to reinforced steel folding chairs. "Why don't we start by introducing ourselves and telling the rest of the group a little bit about ourselves? I'll go first." Haru paused and flashed a bright smile at Jiraya, Kakashi, Ebisu, Naruto, and Caden, Kon (inside Bostov), Miroku and Happosai, as well as Takeshi, who had only come to duct tape the perverts. "My name is Haru Fair. I like flowers, cute Pokémon, duct tape, Barnes &_ _Noble's, my zanpaku-to,. I dislike perverts, spicy food, the Icha Icha novels, and Caden's attempts to hide his dirty magazines by tossing clean underwear over them. My ambition is write a fanfiction and post it on ."_

_Haru focused in on Caden and realized that he was trying to discreetly share a guilty glance with Takeshi._

_"Caden!" called Haru. Caden stiffened, and slowly turned to give Haru an angelic expression that screamed, 'I'm a sweet, innocent, little kid. Who, me? I didn't do anything.'_

_ Haru rolled her eyes. Sweet? Innocent? "Why don't you go next?"_

_ "Fine," grumbled Caden. "My name is Caden, obviously. I like the Icha Icha novels, especially the graphic novels, dirty magazines, surfing Google Images with the Safe Search disabled, Photoshopping all the people in Haru's scrapbook into scenes from the Icha Icha Violence graphic novel, and using my imagination. I dislike this reform group and Haru in anti-pervert mode. My ambition is to write everyone I know into an Icha Icha fanfiction and have affairs with *bleep*, *bleep*, and *bleep*, after I *bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep *_"

_Haru deadpanned. "Takeshi, maybe you should take over from here . . ."_

_ "Why?" asked Takeshi. "It's your flashback."_

_ Haru promptly fainted from blood loss._

_ "Alright, I guess I get to write this thing now!" cheered Takeshi._

_ "I guess Haru finally found her inner pervert," smirked Caden._

_ Takeshi's left eye twitched as he raised his arms. "HOLYAGA!" A wide beam of white light engulfed Caden._

_Six hours later . . ._

_Takeshi sat back in his chair as Haru's gurney was wheeled back in from her seventh hemostasis. The nurses pushed Haru into her spot beside Caden and left. Takeshi sighed; thank god all fanfiction writers were immortal, as Haru might not have been able to survive seven massive nosebleeds and Caden would not have been able to recover from being chopped in half._

_Both were unconscious as Tsunade was forced to sedate Haru after having to drag her back to her room five times; Caden had been knocked out by Zack Fair, Haru's adopted father, after making a perverted comment about Haru involving "ugly" hospital gowns, IVs, and *bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep*_

_Takeshi got up and crept over to Caden's bed. Caden twitched in his "sleep", as if sensing Takeshi's presence, but didn't move. . ._

_Suddenly, Caden shot up, his blue eyes snapping open. Takeshi backed up quickly as Caden pulled out several gunblades._

"_ARMY OF ONE!"_

_Crap._

_Flashback ends._

"Haru?"

Haru blinked. Where . . . oh, the Pokémon Gym. _Kuso_, she thought, _that was a long flashback_.

"Sorry, I guess I was spacing out," apologized Haru.

"Hmph," mumbled Temari. "So . . ."

"Never mind about the mission," interrupted Haru, pressing the Wii Menu button on her Wiimote and selecting Options (Clan). Turning towards the warp panel, she chose the "Uchiha" option.

"Sharingan!"

(o0o)

Kakashi awakened in a white void of . . . whiteness?

"What the . . ." he got up and looked around, but found there was absolutely nothing to look at.

A plaintive "Meow?" had Kakashi turned around in the "Praying Mantis" form. He stared at the life-size Hello Kitty that had appeared. Its glowing red eyes flickered as a hundred more Hello Kitties winked into existence, encircling Kakashi.

"Meow?" the dolls mewed in unison as they began to close in. Kakashi frantically searched for an exit, but found none. His visible eye widened in shock as the dolls' mouths turned up into gruesome smiles, revealing two rows of sharp, bloodstained teeth.

As the Kitties inched even closer, Kakashi found he was paralyzed with fear.

The last thing Kakashi remembered before being engulfed by the evil Hello Kitty clones was Haru's voice whispering in his mind, "How do you like my Tsukuyomi, Kakashi?"

(o0o)

Sixteen kilometers away . . .

"I'm looking for an adventure!"

Link smiled as he attempted to moonwalk down the Cycling Road. Pissed cyclists screamed profanity at him as they swerved to avoid Link, but Link didn't care.

"I'm looking for an adventure!" he repeated cheerily, flashing a bright smile at the blond, spiky haired trainer attempting to parallel park the Ninetales he was riding in the middle of the lane.

_Nitwit_, thought Link as the Trainer pulled several kunai out of the pocket of his orange jumpsuit and threw them at Link. Link Matrix dodged the projectiles and grinned.

"Will you be my friend?" asked Link.

"WHO THE *bleep* ARE YOU?" screamed the trainer.

"I'm Link. What's your name?"

"Ano . . . I'm Uzumaki Naruto . . ."

"Naru. Naru, " echoed the Ninetales.

"Will you be my friend?" asked Link.

"Hell no!" exclaimed Naruto.

Link began to sob wildly.

"Okay, okay. I'll be your friend," said Naruto as people began to stare.

Link shot up, all traces of sadness gone. "Yay!" Link giggled happily and hugged Naruto. Naruto flinched and attempted to disentangle himself. Unfortunately for Naruto, his feeble attempt failed.

And so, several minutes later, Naruto was forced to mount his Ninetales and take off with Link hanging from his waist.

"Hey, Link. Will you let go of my waist now?

"But your waist is so squishy!" protested Link. He felt like he was holding his stuffed unicorn from his childhood in Ordon Village.

Naruto stiffened. "LET GO NOW!"

"Eep!"squeaked Link as he loosened his grip. Suddenly, the Ninetales took off, leaving Link holding an Icha Icha novel with a note attached to the cover.

"Deliver to Orochimaru in Otogakure, "read Link. "OKAY!" Link got up and moonwalked away.

Suddenly curious, he opened the book to a random page . . .

Link began to feel a trickle of wetness form below his nostrils . . .

12:00 p.m.

The clock beeped out the hour, awakening a dark-haired 14-year-old boy. He sat up, yawning quietly, his long ponytail lying against his shoulder blades. The boy got up and dressed in his usual Friday attire (jeans secured with a leather belt and a bright green t-shirt), his scroll pouch, and kunai holster.

To complete his outfit, he tied his hiate-ates on: Uzushiogakure on his left arm, Hoshigakure on his right, and Konohagakure on his forehead, with the tails reaching all the way to his lower back.

The boy crept out his bedroom door with a feline grace and snuck down the hall.

Putting his ear to the next door, he heard, "Today I swear I'm not doin' anything! I'm just gonna lay on my bed! Don't fell like pickin' up my phone, so leave a message at the tone, 'cuz today I'm not doing anything. Nothing at all!" He smirked at his roommate's sentiment, then kicked the door down.

"_OHAYO_, CADEN!"

Caden managed to leap several feet in the air while staying under his bedspread.

"WHAT THE HELL, TAKESHI? IT IS DEFINITELY NOT MORNING ANYMORE!"

Takeshi smirked. "It is for me! When's brunch?"

"Same as every day. Whenever Haru shows up and makes it!"

"Well, I'll just go and get myself a snack then."

"Have fun with that," said Caden as he clutched his freaky stuffed lion, Kon, and his stuffed Moogle, Mr. Snuggles, to his chest.

Rolling his eyes, Takeshi took the stairs two at a time down to the kitchen. He looked out the window and saw Haru leaving the Hokage Tower. _Crap_, he thought.

Thinking fast, Takeshi scooped up his smartphone while yelling, "CADEN!"

"What?"called an irritable voice from upstairs. "I'm in the shower!"

"Haru's coming! Quick-hide everything you don't want her to see and throw _clean_ underwear everywhere!" Takeshi hurriedly dialed the first number in his contacts.

"OH CRAP! But all my clean underwear have Iron Man patterns!"

"HURRY!" shouted Takeshi as Haru fastened her _zanpaku-to_ sheath to the back of her sleeveless white _haori_. "I'll try to stall her!"

Haru paused as she realized the Hokage Tower's phone was ringing. She frowned,

"This is Konohagakure no Sato's Hokage Tower, how may I help-"

"_Oi_ (Hey), Haru," interrupted Takeshi.

"Oh . . . _ohayo_ (good morning), Takeshi."

"Ano, I was wondering what's for breakfast?"

"I'm planning on beef or chicken udon and peach black tea sorbet," answered Haru.

"How 'bout ramen?" suggested Takeshi.

"No more ramen, Takeshi! Don't you two eat enough alre-" Haru broke off. "Takeshi, are you trying to stall me so you can buy some time for Caden to hide all his Icha Icha books?"

_Dang_, thought Takeshi, as Caden, dripping wet and wrapped in fluffy baby blue towel embroidered with bunnies, dancing Jirachis, and sparkles, appeared at the top of the stairs and gave a classic Might Gai pose. Takeshi suddenly felt slightly nauseous and frantically motioned for him to get dressed. "'Kay, bye, Haru!" Takeshi hung up.

The doorbell immediately rang. Takeshi swore loudly in ASL. He opened the door to reveal an annoyed Haru. Haru was wearing a black _kosode_ under her _haori_, which she had left open. Takeshi could see the Thinkgeek t-shirt and shorts she wore underneath.

"_Ohayo_, Takeshi."

"Hi . . . Haru."

Haru stepped over the threshold and looked around. Just then, Caden walked down the stairs in "[CENSORED]" black footie pajamas, reading Icha Icha Tactics.

"CADEN!" squealed Haru. "TACKLE GLOMP!"

Caden was hit by a flying wall of flesh tackle/hug.

Takeshi smirked as he recalled the day when Haru had finally gotten tired of having to censor out the perverted images on Caden's pajamas with Sharpie. After weeks of "negotiating" (bickering in Takeshi's view), the two "compromised" to stamp "[CENSORED]" all over plain black pajamas.

Haru froze. "Takeshi, did you just call me a FLYING WALL OF FLESH?"

Takeshi stiffened. "No, I called you a tackle/hug!"

Fortunately, Haru realized what Caden was reading, saving Takeshi from a painful beating.

"Caden." Haru's voice held barely controlled anger. "What are you reading?" She snatched up the book and ripped it up into little pieces.

"_Ano_, that's not mine . . ."

"Takeshi . . ." Haru turned to glare at Takeshi, "WHY ARE YOU LETTING HIM READ THIS?"

"I'm not . . . well, every time I confiscate his books, I get THUNDAGAed! Do you really think I like getting chopped in half?" countered Takeshi.

"Look, you guys, can we talk about this later? I'm hungry." Caden arranged his delicate features into a pout and turned the full power of his Bambi eyes on Haru.

Haru sighed and pressed a button on her Wiimote. Several dishes appeared on the table. "Fine."

(o0o)

"So what are we gonna do today?" asked Caden as he slurped his chicken udon noisily.

"Are we . . . I mean can we go to Iwagakure?" Takeshi struggled to keep the hope off his face as he stuffed sheets of _nori_ into his mouth.

"Takeshi only wants to go there 'cause Zephyr, the 'hot' terrorist pyro is there," quipped Caden.

Haru giggled as Takeshi glared at Caden. "Caden, how much do you like your liver?"

"Calm down." Haru smiled knowingly at Takeshi. "The outline actually says we're going to Konoha's Burrito Bandito!"

"Well, then, what are we waiting for?" Caden jumped up. "Let's go!"

"We should probably ask Trevor if he wants to go," sighed Haru.

_Why do we even bother_, thought Takeshi, _when all Trevor does is sit in the house and play Black Ops._

"I still think we should pick up Zeph-" Takeshi was cut off by Haru glomping his arm and dragging him out the door.

1:00 p.m.

"THIS IS ART, _UN_!" yelled Deidara as he surveyed the customers chowing down at Konohagakure no Sato's very own Burrito Bandito.

Sasori sighed from behind the counter. "Shut up, _baka_!"

Deidara turned around to face Sasori. "I love you too, _danna_, _un_!" he called.

_Baka_, thought Sasori as he skillfully manipulated the Juan Mean Burrito puppets creating delicious burritos behind a large glass window.

The front door clanged open and in walked Konan and Nagato. Their 11-year-old daughter, Sumiko, trailed behind them.

Sasori stifled a laugh as Deidara gave Konan the evil eye. Several weeks ago, Konan gave Team Akatsuki a fashion-conscious makeover. As a "mistake", Konan gave Deidara a woman's uniform. Deidara had ripped the thing off and stomped back to Burrito Bandito in his underwear.

"Deidara_-hime_ (princess)!" Sumiko ran up to Deidara and glomped his stomach so hard that Deidara began to cough up blood.

Nagato pulled Sumiko off Deidara. "_Gomen_ (Sorry), Deidara, Sumiko's on a caffeine high."

Deidara's mouth began to tremble and he sniffled. Swearing softly, Sasori grabbed Deidara's life-sized teddy, Pookie, and hastened to give it to Deidara.

Upon receiving Pookie, Deidara burst into tears and Sasori let him cry on the shoulder of Sasori's Juan Mean Burrito t-shirt.

"Oh, Pookie," sobbed Deidara. Sasori patted Deidara's back and made soothing noises while flashing an apologetic look at Konan and Nagato.

"Do you want me to fix your boo-boo?" muttered Sasori.

Deidara nodded.

Sasori pulled a Hello Kitty Band-Aid out of his pocket and stuck it on Deidara's t-shirt.

"Are you gonna kiss it better?" asked Deidara tearfully.

"No!" yelled Sasori.

Deidara

Sasori leaned down and kissed Deidara's stomach, hoping that Deidara wouldn't ruin his reputation. Suddenly, Deidara was all smiles and rainbows again.

"Ano . . ." Konan sighed, "can I have a Chile Verde?"

"I want a . . . CHOCO TACO!" shrieked Sumiko.

Konan shushed her daughter and dismissed the stares of a blond boy holding an Icha Icha novel, another boy with three hiate-ates, and a girl with a Wiimote with a wave of her hand.

"May I . . . may I have a Carne Asada?" asked Nagato softly. Suddenly, Nagato's eyes turned red and his skin darkened.

"GIMME SOME FOOD!" roared Pain.

Konan managed to discreetly stab Pain in the thigh with a kunai and Pain reverted to Nagato.

"He's just hungry," Konan whispered to Sasori. "Can we get take-out?"

Sasori nodded as a Juan Mean Burrito puppet shuffled over and handed Sumiko a plastic bag. Konan slapped several ryo in Sasori's hand and tipped the puppet.

"No! Don't-" Sasori broke off as the Juan Mean Burrito Puppets broke free of their chakra strings and began to dance independently of the redheaded puppetmaster.

"Oh god," whispered Deidara, "a musical number."

(o0o)

_In Floaroma Meadows . . . _

Cloud Strife lay in a colorful field of flowers. He stared at the fluffy white clouds, pointing out several to his level 96 Pikachu.

"Doesn't that one look like Jenova?" he said.

"Pika!" agreed the Pikachu.

Cloud sighed. After he, Pikachu, and Denzel spent twelve hours playing Super Smash Bros. Brawl the day before, Tifa had shipped him off to Floaroma Town in the Land of Flowers on a video game ban.

"Pi chu pika pika chu pi! (Translation: The clouds are so fluffy and pretty today!)" said Pikachu.

"I quite agree," said a soft voice.

Cloud jackknifed into a sitting position and saw the owner of the voice. A tall, beautiful woman in gray stood near the trees. Her long, flowing blond hair rippled in the breeze; her delicate features were turned to the sky. Cloud began to wish he hadn't worn his "It's too late. You've awakened the gazebo" t-shirt.

The woman looked at Cloud. He blushed and averted his eyes. "_Ano_ . . . "

She smiled softly. "I see you enjoy cloud gazing."

"Yeah . . ." Cloud trailed off, unsure of what to say. "I'm Cloud Strife . . ."

"Cloud, huh . . ." Her dark eyes twinkled. "My name's Cynthia. You know . . ." She blushed, "Pokémon League Champion."

"Nice to meet you, Cynthia." Cloud stood up and held out his hand, which she shook."So, what brings you to Floaroma town?"

"Oh, you know," she shrugged, "research, Champion obligations, etcetera. How about you?"

"I . . . just at retreat. Relaxation . . ."

"I heard Tifa kicked you out of the house."

Cloud did not know what to make of this.

Cynthia must have seen the confusion on his face, for she explained, "We're old childhood friends."

"Okay . . ."

"It's funny how last time we met, she told me about you defeating the Bahamut SIN in Edge," observed Cynthia.

"The what?"

"You know, the Pokémon you fought in Edge a couple years ago."

"That was a Pokémon?" exclaimed Cloud.

Cynthia nodded. "Actually, I did some research on the thing and I have come a conclusion that it was a Legendary Pokémon called forth from an unknown dimension."

"That's amazing."

"Yeah . . ." She smiled happily as a soft fanfare played.

Cynthia froze. "Ano, excuse me for a moment." She dug a smart phone out of an invisible pocket and flicked it open. "Cynthia." She listened for a moment, then closed her cell phone.

"_Ano_ . . ." Cloud looked down.

"I'm sorry, but . . . duty calls," apologized Cynthia as she put away her phone.

"Yeah." Cloud attempted to hide his disappointment as she turned to leave. " _Ano_, when will you . . ."

Cynthia turned. "I can . . . call you . . ." She blushed.

"Okay. See you . . ."

"Goodbye." She disappeared into the trees.

Pikachu stared at Cloud.

"What?" asked Cloud.

"Pi pika pipi chu Pikachu chu pi pika pichu pika pi. (Translation: Your face is as red as a tomato.)"

Cloud glared at the Pikachu as he resumed his cloud gazing position He stared up at the clouds, but his thoughts kept turning to Cynthia . . .

**A/N: Thanks for reading this chapter. We would like at least one review before putting the next chapter up, but . . .**

** Coming up: Black Ops., 7****th**** Heaven's new ramen chef,**__**and the truth about Tobi!**


	3. The many uses of duct tape

2:00 p.m.

"That was delicious," said Haru as the threesome walked through the oldest housing district in Konohagakure no Sato-

"I'm getting fed up, Haru," said Takeshi.

"With me complementing Sasori's burritos?"

"These were made by Sasori?" Caden gasped.

"With you calling Konoha 'Konohagakure no Sato'" grumbled Takeshi. "It sounds so formal and stiff."

Haru felt miffed. "Well, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings."

"Here's Trevor's house," piped up Caden, pointing to a large two-story house with a sprawling front yard accented by several patches of vibrant tulips and a couple of trees.

Opening the door with her Wiimote set on the Keyblade configuration, Haru walked in on Vincent Valentine and Lucretia Cresent locked in a serious make-out session. Haru backed up, but it was too late.

"Hello . . .Haru . . ." Lucretia smiled self-consciously

"_Ano_ . . . hi?" Haru blushed and looked away. "I thought you were in Iwagakure." She looked back at Takeshi rolled her eyes, as he was sporting a soppy grin.

'We came back to check on our son . . ." Lucretia sighed, "but as you can see, all Trevor does is play video games 24/7."

"So," asserted Vincent, "we've decided to hire a certain terrorist bomber from Iwagakure to . . . eliminate his console."

"Who?" asked Caden, grinning.

"Some brunette named . . . Zefleur? Zever? Ze-something." Vincent shrugged.

"Zephyr?" Caden smirked.

"Yes, that's it," confirmed Lucretia.

Haru realized that Takeshi's eyes had practically turned into pink, beating hearts. She grabbed her Wiimote and clocked Takeshi in the head.

"Anyway, we came to see Trevor . . ." Haru winced as Takeshi began to cuss her out in ASL.

"Of . . . of course." Lucretia looked like she was trying not to laugh, but she stood aside and the fanfiction writers filed into Trevor's living room.

"TREVOR!" yelled Haru.

The figure sitting on the massive gaming chair didn't flinch. The Black Ops. title screen scrolled across the T.V. as the liquid in an IV bag hooked up to the figure sloshed around.

Haru sighed. Ever since he dropped out of sixth grade, Trevor had been playing Black Ops. day and night. "Trevor, I got you take-out!"

Trevor grunted as Haru grabbed her Wiimote. Placing the burrito in an empty IV bag, she pointed her Wiimote at the bag in pressurizer mode and . . .

*BOOM* Inside the bag, the burrito imploded. Haru replaced the current bag with the bag with the imploded burrito.

Trevor grunted several times, and Haru set her Wiimote on English to Trevor™.

"Oh, thanks, Haru-DIE, DIE, YOU CAMPER!" droned the Wiimote.

Trevor was absorbed into Black Ops. again. Haru quietly left the room to rejoin Caden and Takeshi. She was last out the door, allowing her to rip a small camera off the wall.

(o0o)

5:00 p.m.

_Inside_ _7__th_ _Heaven . . ._

Tifa snuck a glance at the clock, away from the soapy dishes in the sink. _Hopefully, they'll all be late,_ she thought, as she turned her gaze towards Denzel, who was sitting at the bar poking random people on Facebook.

"Denzel," she said, "go upstairs and throw Seph in the tub." Tifa's son, who was barely three, had to be wrangled into the tub every night.

"Whatever." Denzel got up and slouched over to the stairwell.

"And tell my lazy husband to hurry up!"

"No need," said Uchiha Sasuke, as he descended the stairs. He sported a Jamba Juice t-shirt and a black "Come to the dark side. We have cookies." apron.

"I still don't get how the rest of the Konoha 15 gets along with you," joked Tifa, drying her hands on an dish towel.

"Well, Rock Lee, Yuffie, Sakura, and Swiper love me," replied Sasuke, taking Tifa's hands in his.

"What? Yuffie and Swiper aren't even part of the Konoha 15, and Rock Lee and Sakura just believe in the power of youth, also known as Firebending," quipped Tifa.

"Yuffie and Swiper still count," insisted Sasuke. "They're coming to the reunion concert meeting."

"They just stalk you 'cause they think your Sharingan is a form of red Materia," pointed out Tifa.

"Tifa?" Marlene flounced down the stairs in a red flamenco dress. "How 'bout this?"

"Where did you get that?" demanded Tifa.

"Sai."

"I don't even want to know," sighed Tifa. "Go put on something else."

"Fine." Marlene went back upstairs.

Tifa rolled her eyes. She looked toward the door, which was swinging open.

"Tifa!" Aerith Gainsbough Fair practically skipped over to hug Tifa. "Sasuke!" She released Tifa and tackled Sasuke to the ground.

"Calm down, Aerith." Zack Fair entered the restaurant, along with his daughter, Haru.

"Oops." Aerith blushed and climbed off Sasuke's chest. "I just haven't seen you, since, like, forever!"

"She means a week," Zack said, "and plus, she's been slightly . . . different ever since we were . . ."

"Revived by the _Fay'th_," finished Haru softly.

Zack looked down, then back at the door, as Tidus, Yuna, Serah, Snow, Lightening, and Hyuga Neji walked in, talking and laughing. Serah, Vanille, and Yuna glomped Aerith while Tidus, Snow and Zack greeted each other and immediately began arguing about blitzball.

Several minutes later, Naruto, Hyuga Hinata, Kurotsuchi Mayuri (Hinata's latest geneticist boyfriend, thankfully without his makeup), Rock Lee, Haruno Sakura, Tenten, and the rest of the old "Rookie Nine" arrived.

The new arrivals were soon surrounded by their friends. Tifa and Sasuke had just disentangled themselves from the crowd when the door burst open.

"LEE!" roared Might Gai.

Rock Lee froze. "Gai-sensei . . ."

"_BAKA_!" Gai stomped up to Lee and punched him in the face.

"GAI-SENSEI!" wailed Lee, tears streaming down the front of his green jumpsuit. The rest of the party did face-palms.

"LEE!"

"GAI-SENSEI!"

"HOW COULD YOU, LEE?" screamed Gai through his tears.

"GAI-SENSEI!" Lee sobbed even louder.

"WHY, LEE?"

"GAI-SENSEI!"

"I knew this day would come," sobbed Gai.

"GAI-SENSEI!"

"The day you would break free of my guidance-"

"NO, GAI-SENSEI!"

"-and leave me all alone."

"NEVER, GAI-SENSEI!"

"SAKE, LEE!" Gai pointed to the glass in Lee's hand. "WHY?"

"IT'S SKY VODKA, GAI-SENSEI!" Lee collapsed to the ground, bawling. Gai knelt and scooped him up in his arms.

"OH, THE JOYS OF ADOLESCENCE!" cried Gai as the two green spandex-clad men sobbed in each other's arms.

"OH, GAI-SENSEI!"

"A HUNDRED LAPS AROUND THE TRAINING FIELD TOWARDS THE SUNSET!"

"Gai-sensei, you are too kind," sniffled Lee, wiping away his tears.

Sasuke cleared his throat. "_Ano_, dinner's ready."

All the men in the room practically stampeded Sasuke in an attempt to get to the new dining room first.

Aerith rolled her eyes. "Men."

(o0o)

The party was stuffing their faces with Sasuke's noodles when Yuffie and her boyfriend, Swiper, appeared on top of the table.

"Alright, who's been touching my Materia!" yelled AVALANCHE as Yuffie opened her mouth.

Swiper and Yuffie jumped off the table and grabbed stools. They sat down as Sasuke set two bowls of _yuzu somen_ in front of them.

"NOOOOOOO, SASUKE, MY ETERNAL RIVAL!" wailed a voice from the doorway. "YOU ARRIVED AT THIS BAR FIRST!"

"_Ano_ . . ." said Sasuke, who was staring at Sai, "I live here."

"NOOOOOOOOOOO! Sasuke, you are too cool! You casually put me down!" Tears of rage streamed down Sai's cheeks.

"What a loser," muttered Gai.

All the Konoha ninja snorted into their noodles.

"Noodles, Sai?" asked Tifa as she eyed his new petal pink ensemble and shuddered inwardly.

"Ooooh, _somen_. Can I have the plum blossom?"

"Of course, Sai." Tifa strode into the adjoining kitchen and grabbed a waiting bowl of pink noodles and popped them in the microwave.

When she got back into the dining room, Sai had pulled up a chair and was discussing fashion with Marlene, Sakura, and Ino. The rest of the party had begun chatting again, but Tifa could see the eyes of all the parents flick over to Sai every time he opened his mouth.

Just as Tifa set the bowl down in front of Sai, who began to salivate as the flowery aroma of the noodles wafted under his nose, Sasuke stood and cleared his throat.

"Ano, may I have everyone's attention?" Everyone except for Ino stopped talking.

"But I, like, went shopping at, like, the Saks 5th Avenue in, like, Amegakure, and, oh my gosh, you'll never, like, believe this, but I, like, saw, oh my gosh, like, Justin Bieber!" squealed Ino, completely unaware of the silence around her.

Suddenly, Tenten was behind Ino. She pulled Ino out of her chair, and slammed her face into the wall behind the two.

"Justin," growled Tenten, as she whipped out a roll of baby blue duct tape, "is _my_ boyfriend. If you even step towards him, or whisper his name, I swear, I will burn all your flesh off with a hot glue gun, barbecue your organs, and feed you to an Akimichi." She ripped off long strips of the duct tape off and secured Ino's body to the wall. Pulling out a steel baseball bat, she bashed Ino's head against the wall repeatedly.

"Ooooh, catfight," whispered Sai. Tenten whirled around, her eyes blazing.

Sai whimpered and crawled under the table.

Tenten _Shunshin_ed to her seat and calmly sat down. "You were saying?"

Sasuke blinked and pulled his gaze away from Akimichi Choji, who was face was a light shade of green. "_Ano_ . . . okay, then. As all of you know, the Konoha 15 will be doing a reunion concert tomorrow." Sasuke paused, staring at Tifa, for . . . reassurance?

Tifa gave him an encouraging smile. _He's almost as bad at public speaking as I am_, she thought.

"Anyway," continued Sasuke, "I'm going to go through the program quickly, so everyone knows when they perform."

A soft moan of "Justin?" from Ino had Tenten standing, hot glue gun at the ready.

"So, first, Yuna will be singing 'Real Emotion' and 'A 1,000 Words'," said Sasuke, ignoring Ino's screams as Tenten slowly burned her flesh off. "Musicians . . . you know who you are. Lee and Choji will be the backup dancers, right?"

"_Yosh _(alright)! The power of youth burns again!" yelled Might Gai and Rock Lee in unison.

"Shut up!" screamed everyone else.

Choji jumped up and began break dancing, flipping and spinning with incredible agility.

Tifa smirked. After Choji won Biggest Loser a couple years ago, he had managed to keep the weight off by break dancing in competitions in Amegakure.

"Moving on." Sasuke sighed. "_'Suteki Da Ni'_ will be sung by Tenten and Sakura. 'Eternal Love' will be done by Serah. Next, 'Hero's Comeback'; that's Naruto and I. Then, finally, '_Naruto Ondo'_! Everyone!"

The party exploded in to whoops and cheers.

"_Shannaro_!" Sakura yelled.

"Shut up!" screamed everyone else.

(o0o)

"So, _Ero-chan_ (cute pervert)," asked Takeshi, a few seconds after Haru left for Midgar, "what're you going to do?"

"Well, I was just going to . . . take a walk. Around town."

"Okay!" Takeshi grinned. "I'm going to Iwagakure!" He ran in to the garage attached to their shared house. A minute later, an airship/blimp thingy floated out of a hole in the roof and flew away.

Caden cackled loudly. Time to test out my new camera, he thought, pulling out his iPhone.

6:00 p.m.

Caden sat down in his "[UNCENSORED]" desk chair. He rubbed his hands together as he stared up at the complex of computer screens obscuring the walls of Caden's secret basement.

Several years ago, when Caden had began cultivating his "inner pervert", he had asked Jiraya to excavate the area beneath his room for the sake of being completely and fully perverted [a.k.a. monitoring the cameras he had planted around Kakashi's thriving hot spring enterprise (with Kakashi's permission)] and the rest of Konohagakure.

The computer screens duct taped to the wall displayed several pages of Google Images search results. Caden plugged a cord into his iPhone and Takeshi appeared on all screens. He was walking towards a Yama Sushi Bar, holding hands with a brunette in a sundress. Their backs were to the little spider-like camera that scuttled along behind the pair.

Takeshi turned around and the view showed that the camera had thrown itself into a shrub.

"That's funny . . ." muttered Takeshi, "I have this feeling that I'm being watched . . ."

'The girl whirled around "Takeshi!" She pointed at the shrub where the camera was hiding. She and Takeshi pulled out cans of Raid. Spray blanketed the area beside the camera lens.

Confused, Caden swung the view around. Takeshi was replaced by a giant, furry spider, who was keeling over in defeat.

"HOLY CRAP!" shrieked Caden, falling off his "[UNCENSORED]" desk chair. As Caden scrambled back onto the chair, he realized that Takeshi had wrapped one arm around the brunette's waist and was kissing her passionately. Caden hit the shutter-release on his "modified" keyboard repeatedly and scribbled furiously in a little note book named *bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep*

On-screen, Takeshi and the girl extracted their tongues from each other's mouths just as Takeshi ever-changing "Power 94" ringtone played. Takeshi pressed a button on the Android smart phone clipped to his belt.

"Hi, Takeshi," said Haru. "I was going to say I hope I didn't interrupt a passionate make-out session, but I was the one who wrote it in, so . . ."

Takeshi's left eye began to twitch.

"Anyway," continued Haru, "I just wanted to let you know that the Konoha 15 will be putting on a reunion concert tomorrow, and I have several extra tickets."

"Who?" asked Takeshi.

"The Konoha 15," repeated Haru.

"Never heard of them."

""Well, I was just wondering if you wanted to invite Zephyr . . ."

"What genre?" interrupted Takeshi.

"You know," said Haru, "J-pop . . ."

"WHERE CAN I GET TICKETS!" yelled Takeshi and the girl in unison.

"_Ano_, weren't you listening?" asked Haru. "I already have the tickets."

"OKAY!" Takeshi began to jump up and down excitedly.

The brunette giggled. "Calm down, Takeshi!"

"Oh, hello, Zephyr," said Haru.

"_Oi_, Haru." Zephyr smiled cheerfully.

"Moving on. If you can drag Zephyr back to Konohagak-"

Takeshi cleared his throat loudly.

"I mean, Konoha," corrected Haru. "Well, Zephyr can stay at my house tonight if she comes back with you."

"'Kay," said Takeshi. "If Zephyr wants to, that is . . ."

"That works, "affirmed Zephyr. "Thanks, Haru."

"No problem," said Haru. "And I have the tickets, so I guess that's it, then."

"Alright. Bye."

"Bye. Oh, and hello, Caden." The phone shut off.

_Crap_, thought Caden. He waited, frozen, for several minutes as Takeshi and Zephyr entered the restaurant, then directed the camera through the side door. As the camera slowly scurried over the dirt, Caden stuffed caffeinated bacon candy into his mouth and opened Photoshop.

7:00 p.m.

Caden's left eye twitched furiously as he stared at the multitude of plates piled in front of Takeshi and Zephyr.

"I didn't know Takeshi had that much money," whispered Caden. "Must . . . break into . . . Takeshi's . . . room . . ."

Suddenly, Caden felt a sharp pain in the back of his head. His chair tipped backwards and crashed to the ground.

The last thing Caden remembered was a very angry Haru standing over him screaming, "CADEN!"

11.00 p.m.

"_Yosh_, _mina _(everyone)," said Sephiroth as he surveyed the various members of _Shinobido Akatsuki_, who were spread out on the floor of Nagato and Konan's living room. "I would like a report on your team's activities. Tobi, why don't you go first?"

"Okay," said Tobi. "as everyone knows, I've been tracking Chia Madara."

"Uchiha," corrected Itachi. "Chia is the name of a retarded Neopet. Of course, only the prominent name of the feared Uchiha clan could be mistaken for-"

"Anyway," continued Tobi. "Guess what?"

"What? asked Zetsu.

"I killed him!" giggled Tobi.

Sephiroth and the Akatsuki members deadpanned. "_Ano_, how exactly did you accomplish this?"

"I'll show you," yelled Tobi. "_HENGE_!"

Sephiroth immediately shut his eyes as Tobi screamed, "Take that! Sexy no jutsu!"

Deidara giggled and several thumps were heard as everyone in the room fainted from blood loss, save Sephiroth, Konan, Tobi, and Orochimaru (who was completely unaffected by the technique, being a gay pedophile).

"Tobi . . . WHAT THE HECK?" yelled Konan as Sephiroth uncovered his eyes to see Tobi's male (and fortunately clothed) form duct taped to the wall. Orochimaru was attempting to revive the fallen males.

"TOBI IS A GOOD BOY!" squealed Tobi.

"No, Tobi is a bad boy," countered Sephiroth.

Tobi froze. "Tobi's been a bad boy? . . . SO SPANK HIM!"

Tobi ripped through the duct tape and stuck out his rear end.

"Okay, let's all take a deep breath and calm down," soothed Nagato as he stood up. A shadow passed across his face and his red eyes swirled.

"Shut your *bleep bleep bleep*!" thundered Pain. Konan clocked him in the head with an origami baseball bat and Pain became Nagato.

"That's it," sighed Sephiroth wearily. "I give up. Let's take a short break." Immediately, the room erupted in chaos.

"Can we play Truth or Dare?" begged Deidara. The room froze.

"Okay!" replied the majority.

A minute later, every Akatsuki member, including Sephiroth, were sitting in a circle.

"Konan?" asked Nagato.

"Truth or dare, Nagato?"

"Dare."

"I dare Nagato to kiss me passionately in front of everyone!"

"Okay."

"OMG!" squealed Tobi.

"Truth or dare, Itachi?" asked Kisame.

"Dare, as that's really all I'm good for anywa-"

"I dare Itachi . . . to smile!"

Itachi sighed and a creepy, girly smile lit up his face.

Sephiroth instantly attached himself to Hidan. "Itachi . . . that's, that's just . . ."

"CREEPY!" wailed Tobi.

"Get off me!" screamed Hidan, "I am the *bleeping* Pope! I will not participate in such-"

"SHUT THE HELL UP" screamed Pain.

"Can I go now?" asked Deidara.

"Gimmie a dare, _senpai_!" shrieked Tobi.

"Finally!" growled Deidara. "It's my turn!"

"Uh-oh," muttered Kisame.

"I DARE TOBI TO SHOW US THAT HE IS REALLY ASH KETCHUM BY REMOVING HIS MASK!" exploded Deidara.

_Oh no_, thought Sephiroth as Tobi's form flickered and he appeared to split into two.

"Hello, everyone," said Uchiha Madara. "I'm back!"

**Thanks for reading this chapter and we'll try to get the next one out soon. Hopefully, Takeshi will stay focused long enough for us to actually get begin writing. So . . . please review! Haru is currently withholding her pieces until we have at least 3-7 reviews (she's being indecisive). If you want the next chapter up anytime soon (see below), review!**

**Coming up: Drag races, Haru's new/old boyfriend, and the bar fight to end all bar fights!**


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